When you receive such criticism as, "You never spend enough time with me," examine it and profit from any hidden grains of truth.

Often, because an older person forgets what happened only yesterday, caregivers label their complaints as unwarranted attacks and feel like striking back.  Fortunately, there are some ways to respond with a soft answer.  Shift your mental gears from trying to win a power struggle.  The energy you spend in that futile effort can be diverted to ignoring the barb and directing the conversation to more pleasant topics.  Often a big smile and a hug will set the stage for a happier visit.  You can use these statements as tools for responding to verbal abuse, even if you consider it unfair.  (Later, you can try to decipher the reasoning behind the attack.  Perhaps your actions have been misunderstood in the past.  If so, you may be able to improve the message you are sending).

To criticisms (like, "The only person you ever care about is yourself."):

  1. "I'm sorry you feel that way."

  2. "Thank you for telling me."

  3. "I'll have to think about that."

  4. "You may be right."

  5. "Oh."  This can be said with so many tones of voice that it can convey any of the following:

    1. "I see what you mean."

    2. "I'm so sorry to hear that."

    3. "I register that you have spoken to me."

    4. "I understand.  Go on."

    5. "Wow! That's interesting.  Please tell me more."

To testy questions (like, "Why can't you be more successful, like your sister?):

  1. "Good question!"

  2. "I'm not sure."

  3. "I wonder."

  4. "I wish I knew."

  5. "Beats me!"

To any attack, when the time is right:

  1. "I must be a terrible disappointment to you."

These simple responses give you a way to show respect without necessarily capitulating or even defending yourself.  They maintain a kind of friendly neutrality.

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